What Am I To Do Now?
by Cheska
Summary: After the fight with Ultimecia, fear and uncertainty seeps into one's mind as different paths come around. Unsure and confused, one wonders: Is this really what our lives led to? *Status: Complete*


Title:  What am I to do now?

Author:  Cheska

Rating:  PG?  PG-13?

One-shot fic

Disclaimer:  No, I don't own Final Fantasy 8 or any Final Fantasy for that matter!  I have a game of FF8 though!  *holds it up*  Yeyz!

Author's Notes:  Hey people!  This is like the first time I got off from Sailor Moon/ Gundam Wing ficcies and wrote this one-shot fic of FF8.  I meant to write one a long time ago but I sort of forgot what it was about.  So here I am, writing a new one to see if it's okay.  But I'm not too sure. Oh, and another thing…this'll be in a first person perspective, want to guess who?  Read to find out then…

**********

  I can remember it all so clearly…every single thing down to the last detail of that memorable event.  Every one of us were there, everyone.  Selphie, Quistis, Irvine, Zel, and ..Rinoa.  All of us were there:  to fight and to watch.  From time to time we'd switch if a party member was down.  Yet, we all felt the same.  Hoping, wishing, yet filled with determination…the anxiety, the feel of the adrenaline coursing through our veins.  Even though we feel all of this, I know we couldn't get that feeling that's kept inside of each of us:  fear.

   That day..or was it night?  Whatever time, day, or month we were in, wherever we were we knew what happened.  We knew that whatever happened there would be a change in the course of everyone's future.  That was why we felt what we felt and did what we did.  We did all of this for everyone and everything; for everyone's sake as well as ours.  Yet, here I am…still reliving that event.  Not knowing why.  It's over…and I should be happy, but I'm not.  Why is that?

  "Squall…"

  Could it be that I am afraid of moving on with my life?  I know that once I step out of this room, everything will chance.  For better or for worse, I don't know.  Yet, my comrades appeared so happy that night of celebration.  Everyone that survived the battle against our foe was in the Garden as it floated around.  

  I, too, was happy…at least I thought I was.  There I was outside in the balcony, while my friends were inside with Selphie taping everything that was happening on that memorable day:  the day we defeated Ultimecia in her castle.  Celebration was a must and it was such a relief in our hearts that we defeated her before something horrible was to occur.  Quistis was just glad while Zell was munching down the infamous hotdogs that was so hard to get and Irvine was there scoping out the girls, however, Selphie saw him doing that and immediately got jealous.  After glimpsing that, that wasn't all that made me happy…what made me happy was finally finding the one that I was searching for.  Someone to be with and to love; Rinoa Heartilly. 

   Her dark eyes turning toward me after watching the night sky with the glimpse of a shooting star in the night going pass the Garden.  Her smile that would warm up anyone's heart, especially mine.  With her index finger going up in the air for her request, we got closer together…this time I didn't need convincing nor did I need her to cast a spell on me.  I was already under her spell, a spell that would never break because I came to love her willingly.

  As our lips touched, I felt a great sensation coursing through my veins.  I knew that she is the one.  The one I'd be with for the rest of my life.  But…is that really what I believe?  Or is it something that I have just come to believe after everything we've been through?  The first time I met her, I was captivated…but was it by her looks or by her personality?  I don't know, yet, I have risked everything to get her back…even though my comrades have convinced me time and again to rescue her.  

  "Squall…"

  After such a long journey, I've grown attached to the princess…to the one I grew to love.  Memorized every detail of her face, the way she walked, the way she laughed…everything.  Is this love?  

  What am I to do now, though? Ultimecia is long dead, her evil ways can no longer corrupt the weak hearted nor the poor or those who wish for more power.  After the defeat of a powerful sorceress from another time line in the future, it seems that the monsters roaming around the fields by land, sea, or air are nothing compared to what we've faced.  Fighting appeared…so useless now, even pathetic but it's the way of life now.  Ever since Headmaster Cid left office to me so he can be with his wife, Edea, I knew that everything would change.  And since defeating that sorceress, everything else completely changed.  I am now in control of this school, I never really asked for it…but here it is.  I know that once I step out of here, out of this room everything will change.  The way people treat me, even look at me.  But will my friends change as well?  Is that what our lives have led up to?  After all the obstacles we have faced and conquered?  Is it really worth it?  

  Will Rinoa even look at me the same?

  That is a question I really want to know most out of all the others.  When I met her at the dance after my first mission, I was just a normal student in the Academy.  I was what you would call…a rookie.  Yet, she danced with me even though I was clumsy and acted like a total fool. 

  That's probably why I love her so much…that's why we promised in that garden near the ocean where the flowers were. 

  I could only make out small hazy figures of that time after the death.  We were lucky to have survived such a dangerous quest.  After the sorceress' death, every one was split up and we have survived.  I thought I was dead, I really believed it.  I could hardly move and breathing came out difficult for me and so I only stumbled and walked until I just collapsed.  I could have sworn that I would die alone and then everything came out distorted and I couldn't make anything out.  Until…she came.  My angel…Rinoa.

  She was crying, I could recall that much and she held me close to her.  Never letting me go until I was okay with her tears falling freely from her face and when I opened my eyes, she cried still but in relief.  That I still lived and that I was still here…with her and also that everything was over.  Finally over.

  "Squall…"

  As I hold my precious Gun Blade, I got up from my bed and walked over to its case and kneeled down.  My reflection shining back toward me.

  "This is it, I probably won't be seeing you for some time…" I whispered to the one weapon I've grown attached to for so many years.

  "Squall, are you ready?" a voice asked from the doorway.

  Keeping silent, I contemplated to myself.  Is this really what I wanted in my life?  I stay this way?  To just accept whatever was coming and be the new headmaster?  But if I chose not to, what else can I do?  Offer my services to some far away land and live off the streets?  Yes, I am probably now famous after saving the whole world from destruction with my friends.  But, what else is there to save?  Probably nothing until a long time from now.

  "Squall?" the same voice questioned, getting worried by not responding.

  No, I couldn't just leave everyone because of my selfish needs.  If I did that, it would be like what Irvine had done earlier when we first met.  He grew too scared and almost gave up until he tried.  At least, if you try you wouldn't feel as bad if you didn't try at all.

  "Please answer," the voice grew a bit worried now as the tone heightened up into pleading.

  "I guess this is it, this is what it will resort to…" I whispered to myself as I straightened up and flatted out some noticeable wrinkled in the Seed Uniform.  

  I really should have bought another uniform that would be suitable for a headmaster but after seeing Cid wear his for all the time I've known him, the Seed Uniform appeared more…suitable than the latter.

  Opening the door, I came face to face with my old instructor, Quistis Trepe.

  "There you are, I got worried.  I heard feet shuffling and breathing in there but I didn't know what to expect when you didn't answer.  Why didn't you respond?" Quistis demanded, her blue eyes shining in that old stern look she used to give me all those times before.

  "…whatever," Quistis and I said at the same time, causing a small chuckle from the instructor.

  "I'm sorry, Squall, but I had a feeling that that would be coming," Quistis apologized.

  After all this time, why didn't I see that coming?  Whatever, it is Quistis after all…we practically grew up together in the old orphanage and now met up once again in the Balamb Garden.

  "Are you scared?" Quistis asked after walking for some time once we neared the elevator that would lead up to the office.

  "…"

  "Don't worry, you'll be fine.  Everyone will be up there to give you support, as well as myself," Quistis continued.

  "…"

  "Look Squall, you're probably wondering whether or not to ditch this place and go back out there.  And I don't blame you, I'd probably feel the same way.  But this is a great opportunity.  Sure, you could probably go to Esthar and live off of Laguna, but believe me it'll get old quick…" Quistis reasoned out.

  "Quistis…it's not that," I interrupted her little lecture.

  "What is it then?" Quistis turned her head up to look at me, with her head cocked to the side and her arms folded.

  "I already thought about all of this while in my old room.  I thought about what happened since the death of Ultimecia.  And then…I began to wonder, is this really what I want?  What should I do now?  If I accept this…will everything be okay?  And I know that once I left the confines of my old dormitory, everything will change.  Even everyone's attitude of me.  I won't be just the same old Squall Leonhart that everyone knows, but someone different.  Hell!  I'm already different since I became a Seed and did all those assignments and took up a leadership position.  One that I haven't even asked for!"  I spoke up.

  I really didn't expect to become the one who would lead the party, to be the one who made the decisions but I did. 

  "Do you regret it?" Quistis quietly asked.

  Do I?  I don't know…maybe…

  "I don't know, maybe…"

  "Look Squall, be glad that you made it out of there alive.  And be glad that you met someone you have grown to love and cherish.  Also that you have finally learned to at least talk more than just one or two sentences to all of us.  That you have grown in your abilities after battling countless of monsters and facing new challenges as well as the obstacles that have crossed our way.  Do you regret all of that?  Do you regret meeting the one girl that has changed you the most?" Quistis asked, her blue eyes glinting in the light.

  The one girl that has changed me the most…she's talking about Rinoa.  That's true, if I haven't done what I did I wouldn't have met her.  True, I met her before I took up the mission to help her out.  But if I didn't make it to Seed, I would never have met her.  And if I didn't receive that mission, I wouldn't even have had the chance to see her again.  She'd probably end up with Seifer still. 

  "No, I don't regret it…" I murmured, saddening a little bit.

  "Then don't regret this opportunity as well.  You're going to be a headmaster of this school, where you can still make a difference.  Helping the students in here to become one of the top elite and to aide those who are helpless and those who are defenseless," Quistis stated.

  "I know all of that, it's just…am I worthy of such a thing.  You could very well run the school instead of me," I protested.

  "Could I, really?  During your adventures, all I really did was give you simple advice but I wasn't cut out to be a leader only an advisor or a follower," Quistis shook her head in disagreement.

  "Then at least, give me an advice right now to help me sort this all out," I requested, not knowing what else to do.  I felt as if, I didn't figure out what to do now, everything is lost to me.  That I might explode under all of this pressure.

  "My only advice to you now…not as an instructor or a fighter, but as a friend is to follow your heart and not your mind, that is all.  I know nothing else of what to give you," Quistis murmured.

   At that time, the elevator came down and opened up to them.  After stepping in, silence reigned in.

  Follow my heart and not my mind.  It was only a few times that my heart had overruled my mind.  When I rescued Rinoa all those times, my heart told me to do what I had done and not regret it.  And when my mind told me that I would lose my battle to Ultimecia, my heart said otherwise.  It had helped me over come so many things, why not use my heart now?

  "What is your decision before we step into that room?  Do you now know what you must do?" Quistis asked as she began to reach for the handle that would lead them inside the headmaster's office.

  Closing my eyes, I reviewed over Quisitis' words.  My heart, that was what I had to choose from.  That was all that was left to seek to.  So what should I do?

  "I know now, what I must do.  The right thing, the one that would make me content for the rest of my life," I stated with my confidence regaining.

  "And that is?"

  "…"

  I stepped forward and instead of having Quistis opening the door, I did it instead and went inside.  True to her words, the others were there all lined up wearing their Seed uniforms aside from Rinoa who wore her usual garment.  Down the line of people that were inside the room was the desk where Headmasters stood upon and in back of it was the old Headmaster who is now the advisor of the school with Edea standing next to the old man.

  Stepping in front of the desk, Ex-Headmaster Cid smiled in greeting.

  "Squall Leonhart, glad you could make it.  As you know very well, I have chosen you to become the new headmaster of Balamb Garden.  To guide the new as well as the old students of the school and to accept the upcoming tasks as well as to assign new ones that need to be made.  There will be hard obstacles along the way, my boy.  But I'm sure you'll make it just fine. Now what do you say, will you be the new headmaster?" Cid asked.

  "…yes," I said after a long pause.  I don't know why I suddenly grew hesitant when I said that, but I did.  Probably I was still afraid for my future, whether or not this was the right choice.

  There was applause right after I said I would accept it, and everyone began cheering and clapping.  Doing all of that because I had been promoted, being promoted to be in an honorary place such as this.  Being the headmaster of a famous Academy as Balamb Garden where all the accepted Seed members go to.

  Sitting down on the table, I felt a change overcome me.  I'm not sure what it was, but I just felt something new enter my very essence.

  Several minutes had passed since the declaration of my new position over everyone who is present within the vicinity of the Garden.  Talking, laughing, and typically just simple congratulations were made towards their happiness over my position.  I accepted all of this with a gracious but brief nod or a 'hn'.  When all had left, only one other was left and that individual closed the door to the room.  Her layered hair that reached just the middle of her back, her dark chocolate brown eyes that held kindness as well as happiness turned towards me.  She cocked her head to the side as she stared at me silently for just a minute as I sat there, unmoving.  

  "You don't really want this, do you?" she uncovered.

  "….I'm not sure, what I want," I responded, not lying one bit.

  I really didn't know what I wanted, all I knew was that this position I took up had some hidden meaning.  As if I should take it up, yet I'm not sure what part of my body wanted that.  Whether it was my mind or heart, I'm not sure.

  Her footsteps echoed softly on the hard floor as she made her way over to my side and then sat on the brown mahogany desk in front of me.  Her graceful hands, brushing her hair back over her shoulders.

  "What you mean is, you don't know what to do.  You're not sure whether to just stay the way you are and have Cid back in this game of his or to take up his title and become a Headmaster.  Yes, it's hard but me and the others will help you out.  You just call us up and we'll come in a heartbeat," Rinoa offered.

  "A heartbeat?" a skeptical look appeared on my face at that time, the idea just too weird for me to simply accept.  

  "Oh?  And what's so hard to believe with coming so soon?"

  "Come on now, Rinoa.  All of you will be busy.  Selphie with directing the upcoming events, Zell is trying so hard to become a great Seed member, and Irvine is out there still trying to make amends to Selphie.  And Quistis is back to becoming an instructor.  And you…" I trailed off as I gazed at her inquisitive glare directed at me and her small frown that started to form.

  "What about me?"

  "You're probably going to leave and go back to Deling City to be reunited with your father, aren't you," I revealed.

  Silence came rushing in after that.

  "You really believe that, don't you Squall?  After all we've been through, you think I'll leave you to go back to the mansion…"Rinoa softly whispered, hurt touching her tone.

  "Rinoa…"I began to apologize, berating myself for accusing her of such a thing.

  "I can see how much you believe in me now, Squall…it's okay…" Rinoa started to say and got off the desk, tears forming in her eyes.

  I can't believe that I'm such a fool!  

  Before I could react Rinoa was already opening the door.  I had to do something, anything!  I can't just let her leave me now.  Not after all of this, if I lose her…I don't know what I'll do.  Something told me to run to her while the other told me to let her go; that I could fix the wrong that I had caused some other time.  Which one was I suppose to listen to though?  What was I to do now?  I already chose to accept my fate as a Headmaster that much I know.  Deep in my heart I knew that a part of me was missing and that Rinoa was probably the only one who could make amends to the hole within my heart.  

  As I watched her leave when she pressed that button, something clicked within me.  Something that made everything that I had done within the past five to six minutes we were in the room seem so absurd, so stupid.  I couldn't believe it!

  She was the one!  The one I love and will love for all time.  And I wouldn't let her go, just as I wouldn't let her go and get herself locked up back in Esthar.  

  "I won't let her go, never," I whispered to myself as I got up from my chair and ran.

  Just as Rinoa stepped inside the elevator, she wiped another tear from her eyes as she refused to look, afraid to see the one she came to care for gaze at her.  Before the doors closed, I came barging in and inside, my hand grasping hers into my own.  A startled gasp escaped her sweet lips and then her eyes slowly came to lock with mine; her chocolate brown eyes gazing up at my blue orbs as we stood there inside the elevator.

  "I'm afraid Rinoa, just afraid about what is to come.  Afraid of what to do, that's why I said all that.  I'm sorry, but if you really do mean to leave me now.  Then I won't stop you, it's your choice," I said, not knowing what else to do.  I can't very well force her to come into my arms, not after what I did.

  "Squall…I won't leave you…I forgive you," Rinoa whispered, touching the necklace she always wore with the engraved Griever on it.  Memories flooding into her mind of all the things they have done in the past.  

  "I just want you to know that probably the only thing I do know what to do and that I believe is right is being able to love you.  I love you…" I whispered to her as I began to kneel down on my knees.

  I always pictured myself doing this in front of her, kneeling down as I held her hand within mine.  But never did I expect that I would do it now and here of all places.  I wanted it to be romantic, but this felt the right time.  I don't know why, but it just did.

  "Squall…"Rinoa began shaking her head from side to side, not knowing what to do or what to say as we rode down in that long elevator ride.

  "You probably think of me as a fool right now by doing this.  And you still haven't left me…it's just that…I need to say this to you…to make this request," I began as my heart began to beat so quickly within my chest.

   "A…request, Squall?" 

   "Yes, one that could probably change both of our lives," I murmured as I began to formulate on what I should say.

   "…"

   "Ever since our first dance, I've grown to care for you and as time passed on with all the things we have faced together…we never seemed to have given up on each other.  Knowing that we'll always find one another once again because of that promise we made.  And we probably kept that promise, didn't we?  We kept our promise.  And so, here I am trying to create another one.   I didn't know when the right time should be, but after talking to Quistis earlier on.  She gave me some advice:  to trust my heart and not my mind.  So here I am, basically doing all of this because it's what my heart tells me to do.  And I was a fool for not catching you earlier before you left for the elevator.  I couldn't let you go, afraid of what may happen if I did let you leave alone and in here…would I see you again after what I said?  After what I accused you of when it was only the pressure building within me?  No, if I didn't apologize as fast as I did, I may have changed your whole opinion of me.  

   So since I received your apology, can you accept something else?  A request?" I asked of her.

   "What is your request?"  Rinoa asked, her voice all choked up as she gazed down at me.

   "I make another vow, another promise to you Rinoa Heartilly," I began just as soon as the elevator stopped and outside were my old comrades standing idly around as they talked and had Selphie videotaping everyone.  

   And just when the elevator stopped, everyone turned their attention to the occupants inside.  A few widened their eyes by a fraction, others gaping at the scene, and the rest just smiling in a knowing way.

   Here I was about to request for the one I love to make probably one of the biggest decisions of her life.  A decision that could forever change the course of her future: for better or for worse, hopefully for the better.

   "Rinoa, I loved you in the past and I still love you now, more than ever.  And I believe that it would be safe to ask you now for your hand.  To never let go in the times that may trouble us and to not let go even when the sun is shining with a rainbow over our heads.  Never, not even when you're sick or if we are in a crisis, I won't let you go.  All I can really offer is my love and my promise to never to let you go, and if I ever do I'll come and find you, wherever you may be.  So, will you marry me?" I asked, as the last words left my mouth, I knew that I could never take that back.

  "At this time…what's a girl to do but to follow her heart and not her mind, that's what Quistis said, right?" Rinoa asked, a smile covered with tears appeared in her face.

  "…" All I could do was nod, afraid that if I said something it may ruin my chance to be with her.

  "Then…my heart tells me this…" Rinoa said as she took her hand away from mine.

  The moment her hand left mine, I grew scared and afraid.  Wondering at the endless possibilities of why this was happening to me.  Why?  But the endless questions halted as she threw her hands around my neck and I lifted her up into my arms and buried my face into the nape of her neck.  All the past worrying that I had encountered erased from my mind because I was in bliss, happiness, and as long as I was with her I felt that I could do anything.  That I knew what I would do if I had her.   I wasn't lost, not anymore.

  "I accept, and I pledge my vow along with yours…"Rinoa whispered in my ear before we kissed.  Before the doors of the elevator closed in front of us, but before it snapped shut, I knew that Selphie had recorded the whole thing in her recorder.

  "I'm not so lost anymore, nor do I feel any regret…Rinoa," I whispered to her ear.

The End…

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  Yeah, yeah…I know pretty lame.  But it's like my first Final Fantasy fic aside from my usual Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing ones.  ^^;;  But I hope it was okay…is it?

Gazed back at it and feels sort of foolish at writing this…


End file.
